Friday, October 04, 2013

I am Going to Be Honest...

I am going to be honest, when I go to volunteer at the school my children attend it is not truly with the intent of helping out. It is primarily to be near my kiddos, actually. That might sound creepy, dramatic, or a little over the top...(I volunteer nearly everyday but the school staff is happy to have me assist).

They are only young for so long then my time with them (on a regular basis) will be over. The older ones have moved out and don't live that far away (maybe 30-45 minutes) yet I hardly ever see them. We're all so BUSY---Being Under satan's Yoke, perhaps or walking the path God has placed before each of us--- we pass each other like ships in the night...though we text moderately often, I guess. Come to think of it, I wonder if the teenage years are engineered (wired) to aid parents and kids to make the transition of separation a little easier. Maybe. ???

I have noticed in my focus to study, get decent (if not good) grades, and earn a Bachelor's degree, I tell my children, "Not now. I have to do this first." What a terrible thing to say to them! They deserve my all, my everything...and yet don't receive it. They feel the burden of it...especially (I believe) the Little Chef who tells me we don't spend mommy/child time together anymore. How heart breaking. We are used to my life revolving around them. Now it does not and the Little Leaguer has become even more ornery than before (if you, who know him, can imagine that)?!

The house schedule has been changed. I always said nothing was to get in the way of the "house schedule" but my school work has. The earth has shifted and everyone in the household feels it. A lot has been sacrificed and I really hope it is all worth it in the end!

But, at the close of the day (no matter how much I second guess myself) this is where I feel lead...this point, right here. It is a layover on route to my next destination. (Not quite what I had in mind, but okay.) And, God goes before me like He did with the Israelites (as a pillar of smoke by day and fire by night). As long as I never lose sight of Him, all will be okay. I cannot veer off the path or hit a rock with my own walking stick and expect water.

The final goal (in this matter) is to be an attorney for children. I have always (for as long as I can remember) said, "I want to be a lawyer." I thought being a court appointed child advocate would curb or satisfy the hunger. No such luck. And God knows how to push my buttons (of course)! He keeps me motivated! In one way, there is a child molester who hangs out at a baseball/softball field among a bunch of children. It irks me almost to the core! I do not believe he should be allowed anywhere near God's precious little lambs. Yet, there he is...a wolf among the sheep...dismissed, tolerated, until it is too late...again. NOT ON MY WATCH! God knows what drives me...and uses it!

For all things are His servants. (Psalm 119:91. ESV.)

Indeed! Thank You, Lord!!!
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